Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
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