On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
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