This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
Randomize
