I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
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