I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
Randomize
