so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
i figure now that we're number one party school im obligated to black out at least 4 days a week. andddd go.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize