Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
Randomize
