At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Randomize
