he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
