Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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