My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Randomize
