2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
