checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Randomize
