I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Randomize
