I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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