I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
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