hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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