Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
I licked your asshole in confidence.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Randomize
