o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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