Your mouth is God's brothel.
She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
