the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
Randomize
