Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
Lets evaluate? U kissed one boss and lef twith another man. I cock teased the other, hardcore had a tongue jammed down my throat, made out w aa third then left in a cab w alex w them all yelling at me and offering rides. My cheek was also licked and bitten by 2 other men and we almost made out (u and me) because they asked. were hired.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
Randomize
