I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
Randomize
