True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Randomize
