I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
as a side note pls kill me
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize