you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
