I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Randomize
