I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
His hands were made for my vagina.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
Sorry my hands just texted you
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
Randomize
