You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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