Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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