Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
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