I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
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