Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
