The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Randomize
