someone threw a dead crab at me
Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
you kept typing in answers.com, why are the state police calling my house, expecting an answer
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
Randomize
