I wannas sexs uuuuu
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
Randomize
