u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
