I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Randomize
