some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
