I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
Randomize
