Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
I paid your cover too so you're on the list as tits mcgee. You're welcome :D
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Randomize