3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Randomize