Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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