Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize