My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
