I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
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