I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
Why can't burritos get me drunk
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Randomize
