drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize