Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
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