respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
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