I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Randomize
