nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
We're watching a video in class about cheese. The scoring for it sounds like that of a Lifetime movie. My mind is creative. I've continued my own story in my head of a wheel of cheese that was raped and murdered. It's so sad. I hope they get the guy. Btw, the video is about marketing.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
