so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
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