I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
I cut my penus on the lid.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
Drunk is a universal language darling
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
