I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
Randomize
