by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
