Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Randomize
